Left to My Own Devices

Sweetie's job entails a certain amount of travel, although it's been relatively quiet on that front for the past few months. Today, though, he left today for a three-day trip and once again, I am a travel widow. But, I'll share a secret between you, me and the Internet: I like having the house to myself. I can clean and things don't get moved around unless I move them. I can hog the sheets and there is peace in the house after 5pm, the time he would normally get home. I do miss him when he's gone, but I also enjoy the solitude.

His leaving for a trip, however, reminded me of a funny story about one time when he came home from a 5-day trip (Monday through Friday). It was Friday night, in the winter, cold and he didn't get home until about 7:30pm. He was super tired and literally dragging himself home.

"Why yes, Mr. Bean, you can have your way with me."
At the precise moment he came home, I was watching a movie with one of my favorite actors, Sean Bean. Now, I am a bit of a connoisseur when it comes to the delectable Mr. Bean. In fact, I have told Sweetie on many occasions that if given the chance, I would gladly marry said Mr. Bean - despite the fact that he's almost 50, already had three ex-wives and I'm married. Unfortunately, I was beaten to the altar earlier this year by a little hussy who is two years younger than I am. But, a girl can dream.

So, the movie really wasn't that good - but I got it because it was one of the few in which he wasn't cast as the total bad guy and it looked like innocent eye candy. Although, it was made back in the 90's, during what I like to call his Emaciated Period. He has since filled out nicely. Anywho, he was playing a guy who taught photography to adults and (surprise, surprise) got into an adulterous affair with one of his students. He took her on a trip to Paris where they of course did what most people do on adulterous trips to Paris. And, concindentally, what Sweetie and I plan on doing on our non-adulterous trip to Paris.

But wouldn't you know it, Sweetie walked through the door just as the delectable Mr. Bean's very naked behind was on the screen. No, it was not during The Moment - our adulterer was sleeping on his stomach and she (the student) was taking pictures of him as he slept - but it was very obvious that it was a man's behind and soon became clear which man. Without thinking (obviously), I paused the DVD so that I wouldn't lose my place and wouldn't you know, it paused right on the gorgeous behind of Mr. Bean. This is the image that greeted Sweetie as he walked through the door. What a wife I am.

Sweetie thought it was hysterical, no doubt in part because of the look of asbolute horror on my face that the one time I freezed the DVD, it would be on this particular image. He has since told this story to many of our friends, thus not only embarrasing me to high heaven but also revealing my inner most secret desire to see said behind in person.

Luckily this time, there are no Sean Bean movies in the house and he'll get home around 5pm on Thursday when I'll still be pecking away at the old laptop. Why give him any more ammunition to embarrass me in front of our friends?

I should also add that I have no serious intention of marrying Sean Bean. I hear that he's got rather backwards ideas about women (and monogamy) and I love Sweetie much more than the chance of getting it on with a guy who did a relatively mediocre job as the gamekeeper in Lady Chatterly. But, we both get a kick out of discussing my infatuation, and he's always up for watching the next Sean Bean biopic that happens to grace the screen.