I have to admit that, these past few days, I have been having a hard time appreciating the gift that I have been given. What is the gift? Time. Time to heal, time to reflect, time to be. I have been having the urge to jump back into the fray as soon as possible. But why? Why do I want to get back on the rollercoaster so quickly when I know how hard it is?Maybe so that I don't feel as much of a failure. Maybe so I can feel as if I have a chance again. Maybe so I can "skip" the grieving process which is not particularly fun. Maybe so I can feel as if every month is not another month nine months forward that I won't have a live baby in my arms. Because my desire is simple: a baby. From me and from him. One sweet, soft baby. And every month we are waiting for my HCG to go down, every month we can't get pregnant on our own, is another month away from that sweet little gift.
I know that I need this time to heal and to regroup. But, I also know that I want time to stand still so that when we do start again, we haven't lost any time.
4 comments:
I really wish I could stop time for you. For all of us.
Yoga is a great idea. Start easy, and do the internal work, the breath work, instead of the "how does this look from the outside" or the human pretzel approach. A good, gentle, breath-filled bridge can do just as much good as a headstand. Perhaps more.
I know that awful, anxious press of time. Just go one day, then the next. Maybe three months will be all the break you and Sweetie need. Maybe six months. You don't have to stick with the original year, unless that's what makes you two happy, right?
I feel very similar things when I think about the element of time in this journey. I want to jump back into trying so much it hurts sometimes, but other days I want stretch this "wait" time out--so I dont have to feel the pain of failure all over again..
Hugs to you Mrs. X
It feels good to be off the rollercoaster, but it's hard to stay away too. DH and I took a year off after our fourth IUI and it really helped us get to a new place in our marriage and our concept of ourselves as adults without children. I wish you the best of luck in your own year off.
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