Progress Report

It occurred to me the other day that it's been a while since I had made my list of goals to accomplish during my sabbatical from infertility treatment. I haven't blogged much about my progress, other than on the pooch hunt front. I thought it was time to take stock on how I've done so far.

I'll list them this time from easiest to hardest:

* Learn some new distracting skills. I think I want to learn jewelry making and how to play bridge. Luckily, our local school district offers classes in both.

I have looked into these options. Unfortunately, the bridge lessons through the local school district this summer are offered at the senior citizen time of 1-3pm on Mondays. Not an option. The American Contract Bridge League has listing of master teachings all over the country and I have talked with my friend to see if she's still interested. The jewelry making classes through the school didn't look that interesting, but I'll keep looking, probably at local bead stores.

* Limber up.

I've been walking like it's going out of style, but I haven't started yoga since my ovaries are still not back to their usual selves. Friday was an excellent reminder of this.

* Read, read, read. I'm seriously behind in my magazine reading (I subscribe to the Atlantic which I love, but I'm still on October 2007's edition - and it's a monthly!) and I'm still on a quest to enhance my literature repertoire. For example, Great Expectations has been sitting in my nightstand drawer for years and I still haven't read it.

I'm slowly catching up! I'm almost finished with my March editions of New York magazine and I finished the October 2007 Atlantic. Unfortunately, the 11 books I bought at a used book sale a few weeks ago have been added to the pile, thus increasing my overall reading deficit. I anticipate clearing out a huge magazine backlog on the flights to and from Paris.

* Get a pooch. We have two of the most adorable kitties on the planet (seriously, mine are way cuter than yours. Really.), but I've always wanted a dog. We have gone to the shelter twice now in search of The One and so far, no luck. But we are in no hurry and we know that we'll find The One eventually.

I have narrowed down the choices of where I want to adopt from to organizations that do a lot of background on the prospective adopter and matching the dog with the person and vice versa. My friend also found a dog who is available through another rescue organization who she thinks would be perfect for us - I looked at his pics online and he is absolutely precious. If he's still available for adoption after we get back from Paris, we'll go meet him and see if he is the One for us. If not, we'll go to the Golden Retriever rescue organization.

Oh, and my kitties are still way cuter than yours. Really. Although I have to admit that Tigger is awfully cute, jp.

*Reconnect with Sweetie in areas other than infertility. Without a doubt, infertility has strengthened our marriage, but so many of our conversations these past few years have been about the trials and tribulations. We are starting to talk more about non-infertility plans and futures. I want to continue with that.

I think we've been making great progress on this one. We've been taking almost daily walks together in the evenings and just talking about work, life, kitties, etc. And it's been wonderful. We have also talked about infertility, our losses and the path forward. But those conversations are not the only ones we have these days. They are just a few of many.

* Learn how to be happy with what I have, not what I want. I have no problem with this with respect to material things like cars, houses, etc. I don't covet my neighbor's Yukon (particularly not with these gas prices) and I don't want the giant house down the street (its disproportionate). But, when it comes to pregnancy and babies, I can't seem to get past the envy and WANT.

This one's been a hard one. I won't lie. And, I can't say that I have found the answer on how to achieve this for me. But, I've been working on it. Part of it has been focusing on living in the now which helps me focus on what I have, as opposed to what I don't. I've also been able to step back and realize how lucky I am in other areas of my life. It's not just lip service to say that I have a wonderful marriage, a beautiful home and a good job. I am learning to appreciate those things for what they are. If for whatever reason we don't end up having children, this will be a particularly important skill.

This question also fits in with my last goal:

*Be more comfortable with pregnant women. I know this sounds strange and strangely infertility-related, but I have to do this. It's the only way that I will be able to make it through however much longer we have before we get the two-legged non-furry child that we want. I can't keep avoiding them and getting depressed.

I've spent a lot of time questioning myself about why I get so envious of women who are pregnant and mostly it is because it is something I haven't managed to do. So, it really is about me, not them. When I remind myself of this, I can at least understand the feeling even though I can't eliminate it. Some days, though, I am just too raw around the edges that no matter what I tell myself, it still hurts. I'm also coming to understand that I am jealous of the experience that they are having not necessarily the final outcome. I haven't figured out how to get through that, but recognizing it is still an important step.

So, there you have it. The progress report as of now. I can't check any of these goals off the list, but I've made strides on each one. Onward and upward!
images from top to bottom: Copleys, CarbonNYC, Sugar Pond, *S4N7Y* !, 9-lives

The List *Updated*

Believe it or not, I can remember a time when I wasn't trying to get pregnant, getting treatment for infertility, being worried while pregnant, or dealing with a miscarriage. I hardly noticed pregnant women and if I did, frankly, I was immensely relieved that it was not me.

Sweetie and I just lived. We renovated our house, raised our kitties and enjoyed the first few years of being married. I look back on that time now and wonder, can I do it again? I don't know the answer to that question. I certainly don't think that I can live in the same blissful ignorance that I did back then - we had no idea we were going to have problems. In fact, I was incredibly paranoid about not getting pregnant. It turns out that this paranoia was totally misplaced as I was almost 100% infertile due to completely blocked fallopian tubes.

But, I think the first step to taking a break and regaining my non-infertility life, is to go back to that time and remember what made me happy. It was pretty simple: Sweetie, my kitties, interior decorating, planning our renovation (we renovated a 75 year old house and it turned out fabulously), doing the renovation, my job, learning, and enjoying time with our friends, all of whom were just married or engaged.

We now live in a different city and do not have a 75 year-old house, but rather an 18-year old house that used to have carpeting in the bathrooms (I shit you not) and most of those friends who we used to hang out with live in our old town and have kids. But, there are still things here that bring me joy - planning on how I am going to renovate the kitchen, gardening, sewing, cross-stitch, and of course, the furry beasties (including Sweetie). It occurred to me, though, that if I am going to take a true sabbatical from infertility, which is what I had planned, I should fulfill the purpose of a sabbatical: to learn a new skill or fulfill a goal.

As a multitasker and chronic overachiever, I actually have multiple goals. Here are the main ones:

* Learn how to be happy with what I have, not what I want. I have no problem with this with respect to material things like cars, houses, etc. I don't covet my neighbor's Yukon (particularly not with these gas prices) and I don't want the giant house down the street (its disproportionate). But, when it comes to pregnancy and babies, I can't seem to get past the envy and WANT.

* Learn some new distracting skills. I think I want to learn jewelry making and how to play bridge. Luckily, our local school district offers classes in both.

* Read, read, read. I'm seriously behind in my magazine reading (I subscribe to the Atlantic which I love, but I'm still on October 2007's edition - and it's a monthly!) and I'm still on a quest to enhance my literature repertoire. For example, Great Expectations has been sitting in my nightstand drawer for years and I still haven't read it.

* Reconnect with Sweetie in areas other than infertility. Without a doubt, infertility has strengthened our marriage, but so many of our conversations these past few years have been about the trials and tribulations. We are starting to talk more about non-infertility plans and futures. I want to continue with that.

* Get a pooch. We have two of the most adorable kitties on the planet (seriously, mine are way cuter than yours. Really.), but I've always wanted a dog. We have gone to the shelter twice now in search of The One and so far, no luck. But we are in no hurry and we know that we'll find The One eventually.

* Be more comfortable with pregnant women. I know this sounds strange and strangely infertility-related, but I have to do this. It's the only way that I will be able to make it through however much longer we have before we get the two-legged non-furry child that we want. I can't keep avoiding them and getting depressed.

New Additions

* Limber up. My friend reminded me that I wanted to also start doing yoga again. I had given it up because of concerns about twisting my drug-swollen ovaries (Dr. Uterus did have a patient who did her favorite pose - a head stand - in the middle of an IVF cycle and ended up with ovarian torsion). Once they have settled down, I will check out the new studio that is near my house. Sweetie and I have also started a daily exercise regimen. We walk every evening after work in our neighborhood and are slowly working up the number of miles. We also did some hiking. I was extremely fortunate that I didn't gain weight on stims (in fact, I got thinner), but I lost a lot of muscle mass which I want to get back.

I'm sure I'll think of some more, but as you can see, I have a pretty full and challenging agenda. All of it, though, is designed to reach that true nirvana - peace, no matter what we end up getting in this crap shoot called life.